Words by Kevin Donnellan
Illustrations by Si Sweeney
So many bands and musicians out there. So many different types of music. How can we get a handle on the whole scene? With stereotypes, lots of blatant stereotypes, that’s how. Presenting the meg.ie guide to every type of musical act out there, more or less…
The Bad Covers Band
The lowest point in the musical food chain. Four lads who can’t competently play their instruments, at least not consistently. They’re working on their own material but for the moment it’s all Oasis, Strokes, King of Leon and whatever other bands are acceptable to the masses. A ‘comedy’ cover is sometimes thrown in. The standard of groupies is generally awful. Thankfully these bands rarely last past secondary school. For some it’s the high point of their musical career, for others the first cringeworthy step up the musical ladder. These groups occasionally become good covers bands and play Christmas parties and pubs where people don’t like music. When this happens groupies become English girls over for a Hen night.
The Bad Original Band
As above, four lads with questionable ability. Their songwriter genuinely believes he has a talent. This belief is reinforced by his adoring girlfriend who the rest of the band hate/want to ride. Their bassist will generally wear something crap, like an Ireland rugby jersey, onstage, suggesting his priorities lie with the business degree he’s doing in Trinity. They will forever be enthusing about an upcoming Battle of the Bands. “The winners play Oxegen/record a demo/get a book voucher”. Question; Has a successful band ever said “Well of course it all started when we won our local battle of the bands”.
Bad Band with a Girl
An offshoot of the above. Will generally generate slightly more excitement.
The Competent Band
Unlike the crap bands this lot will have learnt how to play their instruments. They are even good enough to attract the attention of people who aren’t their friends or parents. Word on this act will be spread with evangelical zeal. This word of mouth can lead to anything from a few high-ish attendances at gigs to being named on ‘ones-to-watch’ type lists. They may even get a PR person in. This is a person who has trained to put the phrase ‘much anticipated’ in front of ‘debut album’ and to use the word ‘legendary’ to describe the unknown sound engineer who ‘produced’ said album. Once the album sinks without a trace the band can refer darkly to the ‘industry’ that chewed them up and spat them out.
The Bent on World Domination Band
Having spent their youth reading music magazines this lot (or more specifically their singer) feel the need to say things like “we sound like the devil eating your face” or “we want to redefine the boundaries”. They’re the musical equivalent of ‘The Apprentice’ candidates, all talk. Just in case you’re not sure if a band is, in-fact, bent on world domination watch out for key phrases like “we’re bent on world domination”. THEY WILL ACTUALLY SAY THIS. Any criticism of their approach is dismissed as ‘begrudgery’. No matter how crushing a failure they prove to be, their own assessment of their worth will be a master-class in propaganda.
The Art School Band
Less a band more a series of surreal animations on a projection screen accompanied by a load of dicks cavorting around in front of it..with synths. The key to success is to not get too hung-up on the music, if indeed there is any. “I mean isn’t ‘music’ just an archaic concept anyway?” No it isn’t, that fictional quotation doesn’t make sense but it doesn’t matter because nothing about an Art School band makes sense. The less sense it makes the better. Any criticism can be waved off quite easily by making even less sense in response and using words like ‘bourgoise’. A good art college band will leave they’re audience baffled before cycling off into the sunset on their fixed gear bike.
The Girl Band
Obviously there are good girl bands around. But for any girls out there who aren’t too keen on learning how to play an instrument or sing properly there’s still hope for ye. This is because of the little known mathematical formula: Male music journalist + Girls holding guitars = Erection. Taking this formula we can then apply it to another: Crap Band – Penises + Boobs = Excellent Press. QED.
The Niche Band
Go to itunes, randomly select two genres of music, if they are too compatible add another genre, keeping adding until you’re sure it’s something that you’re never heard before. Got it? What is it? Death-funk raggacore? Yeah that sounds ridiculous enough. Start a band with this new made-up genre at it’s core. Then set-up a myspace page (and twitter and facebook and soundcloud). Get a friend to write an article that names your band as being at the forefront of the ‘Death-funk raggacore’ movement. Try to record, or at least mix, something that sounds vaguely like this made-up genre. Watch the money roll in. Then conduct interviews where you complain about hating the Death-funk raggacore ‘label’.
The Singer-songwriter
Don’t play well with others? Like sitting on stools? Enjoying living a vegan lifestyle and practising yoga? Do you possibly hate somebody known as ‘The Man’? Well then the life of a singer-songwriter is the life for you my friend. Sandals optional.
The Actualy Quite Good Band
“This lot are actually quite good, in fact they’re my favourite band at the moment, no scratch that, my favourite band ever. Wait what’s that? You’ve heard of them? How have you heard of them? Yeah they used to be good but then they sold out…wankers”.
